who is she.
the girl secure in her insecurities
the one who laughs at herself for crying.
she loves too hard and breaks to easily
her biggest down fall is her own mind.
she is me.
but why refer to myself as being who i am.
it's easier to accept that this is who SHE is
not who i am.
but I am her.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
A Pirate and Her Lady Friend [ final version May 4, 2012]
Lyrics I wrote long ago about someone I once knew. About a night that happened many moons ago and falling in love without being in love. Friendships come and go, it hurts to move on but this was meant to be about accepting what life brings us and moving forward from heartache and letting go of bitterness. I value our friendship for what it was. Over the course of writing it became about hope and finding new love and after many revisions became the following piece.I thought it's be nice to share it with the Internet as well as remind myself of a cold hallows night when we were still young and life made so much sense and that it is possible to find new love. Side note, this was meant to be more simple acoustic and folk inspired influenced by iron and wine however, I never got to the instrumental. Now these are just words on a page [ screen ] that I hold on to and learn from.
Look me in the eye, tell me you don't remember
A pirate and her lady friend laughing into the night sky
As stars and moons, hung above us
When your eyes met mine and you held me close, said you'd never let go
Sitting side by side weaving cigarette smoke in circles around each others hearts
Playing guiter, whispering words we'd never repeat
Secrets we'd keep, in the backseat of a worn out car parked on an empty street.
And I miss you, Do you miss me? Can I see you one last time,
Before she takes you away again, can we pretend?
Share our last cigerette and goodbye a sweeter way?
Darling, I'm dying for you to stay [I'm dying, please stay]
I know when I let go, life will bring us together another day
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't remember
A young boy and his lady friend laughing up at the clear sky
The coulds and suns that hung above you
When you kissed her for the first time, and promised she'd always be yours
Sitting side by side weaving cigarette smoke in circles around each others hearts
Hearing her sing, telling her things you would dream
It was just as it seemed...
I still miss you, do you miss me?
Can I see you one last time?
Before you run away from life again, can we pretend?
Share our last cigarette and kiss before you go away?
You know I'm dying for you to stay
But life has a funny way, she'll bring us together another day.
Please look me in the eye, and tell me you'll always remember a pirate and her lady friend
Tell me someday the world can bring us together again
We can laugh about the times we cried,
Finding what was lost, the secrets we'd hide
Sitting side by side, on a cold hallows night,
Just a pirate and her lady friend, my sweet friend
We're reaching the end.
Of our last pack of cigarettes and our final goodbye.
Look me in the eye, tell me you don't remember
A pirate and her lady friend laughing into the night sky
As stars and moons, hung above us
When your eyes met mine and you held me close, said you'd never let go
Sitting side by side weaving cigarette smoke in circles around each others hearts
Playing guiter, whispering words we'd never repeat
Secrets we'd keep, in the backseat of a worn out car parked on an empty street.
And I miss you, Do you miss me? Can I see you one last time,
Before she takes you away again, can we pretend?
Share our last cigerette and goodbye a sweeter way?
Darling, I'm dying for you to stay [I'm dying, please stay]
I know when I let go, life will bring us together another day
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't remember
A young boy and his lady friend laughing up at the clear sky
The coulds and suns that hung above you
When you kissed her for the first time, and promised she'd always be yours
Sitting side by side weaving cigarette smoke in circles around each others hearts
Hearing her sing, telling her things you would dream
It was just as it seemed...
I still miss you, do you miss me?
Can I see you one last time?
Before you run away from life again, can we pretend?
Share our last cigarette and kiss before you go away?
You know I'm dying for you to stay
But life has a funny way, she'll bring us together another day.
Please look me in the eye, and tell me you'll always remember a pirate and her lady friend
Tell me someday the world can bring us together again
We can laugh about the times we cried,
Finding what was lost, the secrets we'd hide
Sitting side by side, on a cold hallows night,
Just a pirate and her lady friend, my sweet friend
We're reaching the end.
Of our last pack of cigarettes and our final goodbye.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Missing Someone.
Missing someone is the strangest feeling I've had to deal with in a good amount of time. I'm used to the sadness, the depression, the anger, and discontentment, I'm starting to get used to being happy, to not being emotionally lonely all the time, but missing someone... that feeling is so unexplainable.
Missing someone makes you sad. It makes your heart, your actual heart, long for him. At the same time you feel happy, because you think of everything he does that makes you smile, and you get excited thinking about the next time you'll see him. Then those emotions collide and between the longing and excitement you achieve the great sense of contentment that leaves you feel fully satisfied in a way that is really indescribable. Indescribable just like him.
Missing someone makes you sad. It makes your heart, your actual heart, long for him. At the same time you feel happy, because you think of everything he does that makes you smile, and you get excited thinking about the next time you'll see him. Then those emotions collide and between the longing and excitement you achieve the great sense of contentment that leaves you feel fully satisfied in a way that is really indescribable. Indescribable just like him.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
It was disappointment after pathetic disappointment from the day you were born.
Even the brighter days were all lies, they smiled and naive as you were you bought it
You were so forgiving, so loving, so enchanted with the world and all life had to offer
you loved the sunshine, sang so loud, you weren't afraid, the bravest person she ever met and all at such a young age .
Do you remember laughing so hard you made others cry?
Smiling at not so quiet secrets, laughing and playing and conversing as if every word that came from your mouth was something that could change the world?
You wanted to change the world.
You wanted to help.
You wanted to share your love with everyone who would have it.
But it all fell apart, and when it did you were still so young.
When you realized that "perfect" childhood was lie upon adulterated lie.
When the memories you subconsciously repressed emerged from their hiding places
When you remembered cowering in front of tall dark shadows wished the pain would go away.
When you remembered being ridiculed for everything you held onto and loved so dearly
When you remembered being ignored and left behind
When you grew up and realized that loneliness is a reoccurring theme and everyone eventually leaves.
When you grew up and realized that hurting yourself before others can was the best way out.
When you learned how to suppress the tears you were just a child.
We lost who we were somewhere along this dark and winding road and we don't know where to go from here.
The past is forever biting at our ankles.
The present is forever in the distance so close but always just out of reach.
Trying to forget is near impossible
Trying to move on...moving on..
Why cant we just start new?
Why can't everything just work it self out.
Why couldn't I have been normal like everyone else???
Why do I have to suffer and fight this battle every waking moment of everyday
Why do I have to feel this sadness when I know that I am beyond happy..
Why can't I smile like the beautiful children do
Why am I broken
Why was I forced into this life, into this way of being at such a young age.
I never grew up
I never had what so many others had.
I was always alone
I was always sad
I always am sad
I want to smile
I want to laugh
I want to be more than a melancholy sigh
I want to be more than :what's wrong"
I want to be More than that "odd looking" girl.
I want to go back to being loving and happy and youthful.
But I can't, I closed that door many many years ago.
They helped ensure it would never be reopened.
They helped me "grow up" and forget all the world had to offer me
They helped me find contentment in a sad life
They made sure I'd never stand up again, I'd stay on my knees forever
Perhaps that's where I belong.
Broken.
Alone.
Loveless.
Hopeless.
Begging for a release.
It feels better when you're sad and hurting and wishing for one good thing to happen.
It feels better when shes hoping you won't find out.
The intensity of that orgasmic moment.
The rush the screaming the dragging and begging for more.
In that moment she is so close yet so far away
In that moment she matters.
In that moment nothing else exists.
Even the brighter days were all lies, they smiled and naive as you were you bought it
You were so forgiving, so loving, so enchanted with the world and all life had to offer
you loved the sunshine, sang so loud, you weren't afraid, the bravest person she ever met and all at such a young age .
Do you remember laughing so hard you made others cry?
Smiling at not so quiet secrets, laughing and playing and conversing as if every word that came from your mouth was something that could change the world?
You wanted to change the world.
You wanted to help.
You wanted to share your love with everyone who would have it.
But it all fell apart, and when it did you were still so young.
When you realized that "perfect" childhood was lie upon adulterated lie.
When the memories you subconsciously repressed emerged from their hiding places
When you remembered cowering in front of tall dark shadows wished the pain would go away.
When you remembered being ridiculed for everything you held onto and loved so dearly
When you remembered being ignored and left behind
When you grew up and realized that loneliness is a reoccurring theme and everyone eventually leaves.
When you grew up and realized that hurting yourself before others can was the best way out.
When you learned how to suppress the tears you were just a child.
We lost who we were somewhere along this dark and winding road and we don't know where to go from here.
The past is forever biting at our ankles.
The present is forever in the distance so close but always just out of reach.
Trying to forget is near impossible
Trying to move on...moving on..
Why cant we just start new?
Why can't everything just work it self out.
Why couldn't I have been normal like everyone else???
Why do I have to suffer and fight this battle every waking moment of everyday
Why do I have to feel this sadness when I know that I am beyond happy..
Why can't I smile like the beautiful children do
Why am I broken
Why was I forced into this life, into this way of being at such a young age.
I never grew up
I never had what so many others had.
I was always alone
I was always sad
I always am sad
I want to smile
I want to laugh
I want to be more than a melancholy sigh
I want to be more than :what's wrong"
I want to be More than that "odd looking" girl.
I want to go back to being loving and happy and youthful.
But I can't, I closed that door many many years ago.
They helped ensure it would never be reopened.
They helped me "grow up" and forget all the world had to offer me
They helped me find contentment in a sad life
They made sure I'd never stand up again, I'd stay on my knees forever
Perhaps that's where I belong.
Broken.
Alone.
Loveless.
Hopeless.
Begging for a release.
It feels better when you're sad and hurting and wishing for one good thing to happen.
It feels better when shes hoping you won't find out.
The intensity of that orgasmic moment.
The rush the screaming the dragging and begging for more.
In that moment she is so close yet so far away
In that moment she matters.
In that moment nothing else exists.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Lucid.
Curled up in bed with a fresh cup of mint honey tea,
Imagining all that she can do and create and every way to get there.
To get what she wants and desires more than anything.
The prospect of not doing it alone, for once having it all.
Having it all within her grasp, the perfect life
Fading away at the sun's first light.
Imagining all that she can do and create and every way to get there.
To get what she wants and desires more than anything.
The prospect of not doing it alone, for once having it all.
Having it all within her grasp, the perfect life
Fading away at the sun's first light.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Life is a Game
I wrote this "diary" entry almost 2 years ago. After randomly coming across it I realize that nearly 2 years later I still feel the same way. I'm still playing the same game, I'm fairly sure I'll always be playing this game but maybe that's what life is about, finding joy in the most mediocre of games.
Life is merely a game, the question is just which game are you playing.
Recently i was thinking about life. Not in a bad way or a good way, i was just thinking about how many people in this world choose to live. Quite honestly after a week of thought followed by an unforeseen discussion on the subject I've come to the conclusion that life is a game. A game of strategy. You see its all about making the right moves selecting the path you will take considering your opponents moves and then making a choice based on your gut instincts. I think often times many people don't take it too seriously, they play a game of candy land and see the world through rose colored glasses. Other times people play battleship just trying to bring other people down. The games people chose to base their lives on are endless, but personally i chose to play a simple game of chutes and ladders. I roll the dice and make a move i climb up and up only to (unexpectedly) fall down and make my way back up again. I know it sounds juvenile but just take some time to consider your own life, what game you're playing, and what game you should be be playing.
Well that's it, I hope I've given you something to think about. Feel free to comment below.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Hi. I'm Lauren. Most people just call me a ticking time bomb.
Self Explanatory.
My mind is a terrible place to get lost in.
The lovely disgusting wonderland within my being.
The place you can travel to when you look into my eyes.
My eyes. Black, cold, unfeeling yet full of inexplicable warmth.
Warmth from a fire that burns within , the fire that destroys, the fire that renews.
My mind is a terrible place to get lost in.
The lovely disgusting wonderland within my being.
The place you can travel to when you look into my eyes.
My eyes. Black, cold, unfeeling yet full of inexplicable warmth.
Warmth from a fire that burns within , the fire that destroys, the fire that renews.
Friday, October 5, 2012
As Seen Through The Heart Of a Disillusioned Girl
This is possibly the first passage of something I am writing, It started off as a "memoir" of sorts until I realized that all my problems were self inflicted and started as a result of self destructive "relationships" I used as temporary comfort at a time I refused to face reality. This is really a journey of renewed self discovery and one of healing and growth. Learning what I can about myself, realizing that perhaps, for once, I do deserve something good to happen to me.
I was an average child, living an average life. I grew up in an average town, amongst average people, and life was uneventful. I was a hopeful child though, loving, trusting, naive. I was sunshine bundled up in blunt fringe and pale skin, I might have always been that way, pure and innocent, had I not stayed off the path of normalcy. Nobody cares about the good times, well, if I could even truthfully call them good. Funny how you never realize how terrible life is when you're a child. You just float on thinking that everything is ok, but it's not. People are hurting, dying, crying all around us and in our simple little mind we don't realize anything outside of our worlds of toy trucks, Barbie dolls, and the 4 walls of the playhouse that was built just for you.
I can never really pinpoint when things got so...hectic. But they did. Things got so fucked up and I couldn't handle it, I almost gave up so many times. I had my own kind of drug that got me through all the bullshit an angsty kid can possibly encounter. That drug, that drug was "love" or, at least the illusion of it. . I'm going to record everything, every boy that served as a temporary bandage for the broken heart of a broken girl. Every fake "i love you" that I used to get them to do what I wanted, to get them to say what I needed to hear. Every time I left one of them for the next thing, and the few times I got left. Most times it was a "romantic" connection, I use the word romantic loosely as I've never truly been "romanced" I doubt it even exists. When they weren't make out buddies they were friends that I loved with my all who just left. I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to start here, where everything got fucked up, the first hit I ever took.
I was an average child, living an average life. I grew up in an average town, amongst average people, and life was uneventful. I was a hopeful child though, loving, trusting, naive. I was sunshine bundled up in blunt fringe and pale skin, I might have always been that way, pure and innocent, had I not stayed off the path of normalcy. Nobody cares about the good times, well, if I could even truthfully call them good. Funny how you never realize how terrible life is when you're a child. You just float on thinking that everything is ok, but it's not. People are hurting, dying, crying all around us and in our simple little mind we don't realize anything outside of our worlds of toy trucks, Barbie dolls, and the 4 walls of the playhouse that was built just for you.
I can never really pinpoint when things got so...hectic. But they did. Things got so fucked up and I couldn't handle it, I almost gave up so many times. I had my own kind of drug that got me through all the bullshit an angsty kid can possibly encounter. That drug, that drug was "love" or, at least the illusion of it. . I'm going to record everything, every boy that served as a temporary bandage for the broken heart of a broken girl. Every fake "i love you" that I used to get them to do what I wanted, to get them to say what I needed to hear. Every time I left one of them for the next thing, and the few times I got left. Most times it was a "romantic" connection, I use the word romantic loosely as I've never truly been "romanced" I doubt it even exists. When they weren't make out buddies they were friends that I loved with my all who just left. I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to start here, where everything got fucked up, the first hit I ever took.
So this is what it feels like...
I never thought my life would ever consist of " i miss yous" but it appears that the tides have turned and that's what goes on now, and I'm totally cool with that. Haha , ok more than that, but I can't show how hopeful I am now can I? I mean holding hands so isn't something I do, or cuddling, or kissing. Haha, I am not an affectionate person, at least not until now. I'm actually digging it. Like, seriously, I'm into it. No sarcasm intended, for once in my life haha. It feels so right it should be wrong, and I'm fighting the feeling. Trying to deny the fact that something good might possibly happen, because this is so much more than I'm used to. Pretty much the total package, something I am not and do not deserve. Nonetheless it's something that as of sometime yesterday or this morning, things are cloudy in my mind, is "all mines". Bleh, I'm that girl. Fuck. Never thought it would happen. Whatever I'm thinking about it too much, this is nothing serious and I plan on fully enjoying every bit of the adventure because, regardless of what my brain is saying, I've got a good thing going right now and I can't get enough.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Thoughts and Erik
Erik was the one who tried to set me on the right path, he really tried to be the brother figure I needed not the one that ******* would pretend to be. Erik helped me through a lot and I never give him the credit for doing so. I'll never forget what he told me, about falling in love. "Every time you think you're falling in love you're giving a small piece of your heart away, when you find the guy that's right for you you'll only have broken pieces left for him". Erik, mexican jesus philosopher of the hood and mean streets of Montebello. That piece of advice helped me through many things in life. It helped me with ******, and ******, and ****, and even my ex. The thing is I don't think you give away a piece of your heart, or if you do you take it back at one point or another. I think that the memories you have with that person become fire. Fire can either hurt or heal and it's up to us to decide how we let the fire affect us.
I mean when you get down to the core of any feeling you may have for someone it's all in the mind, this feeling with the heart thing is bullshit. Everything has a logical purpose and we compensate for it by saying we're going with what our heart tells us. I don't know where I'm going with this, lets just end it here. No life lesson, no tied ends, come to your own conclusion.
I mean when you get down to the core of any feeling you may have for someone it's all in the mind, this feeling with the heart thing is bullshit. Everything has a logical purpose and we compensate for it by saying we're going with what our heart tells us. I don't know where I'm going with this, lets just end it here. No life lesson, no tied ends, come to your own conclusion.
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