As Seen Through The Heart Of a Disillusioned Girl

This is possibly the first passage of something I am writing, It started off as a "memoir" of sorts until I realized that all my problems were self inflicted and started as a result of self destructive "relationships" I used as temporary comfort at a time I refused to face reality. This is really a journey of renewed self discovery and one of healing and growth. Learning what I can about myself, realizing that perhaps, for once, I do deserve something good to happen to me.

I was an average child, living an average life. I grew up in an average town, amongst average people, and life was uneventful. I was a hopeful child though, loving, trusting, naive. I was sunshine bundled up in blunt fringe and pale skin,  I might have always been that way, pure and innocent, had I not stayed off the path of normalcy. Nobody cares about the good times, well, if I could even truthfully call them good. Funny how you never realize how terrible life is when you're a child. You just float on thinking that everything is ok, but it's not. People are hurting, dying, crying all around us and in our simple little mind we don't realize anything outside of our worlds of toy trucks, Barbie dolls, and the 4 walls of the playhouse that was built just for you.

 I can never really pinpoint when things got so...hectic. But they did. Things got so fucked up and I couldn't handle it, I almost gave up so many times. I had my own kind of drug that got me through all the bullshit an angsty kid can possibly encounter. That drug, that drug was "love" or, at least the illusion of it. . I'm going to record everything, every boy that served as a temporary bandage for the broken heart of a broken girl. Every fake "i love you" that I used to get them to do what I wanted, to get them to say what I needed to hear. Every time I left one of them for the next thing, and the few times I got left. Most times it was a "romantic"  connection, I use the word romantic loosely as I've never truly been "romanced" I doubt it even exists. When they weren't make out buddies they were friends that I loved with my all who just left. I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to start here, where everything got fucked up, the first hit I ever took.