It was disappointment after pathetic disappointment from the day you were born.
Even the brighter days were all lies, they smiled and naive as you were you bought it
You were so forgiving, so loving, so enchanted with the world and all life had to offer
you loved the sunshine, sang so loud, you weren't afraid, the bravest person she ever met  and all at such a young age .
Do you remember laughing so hard you made others cry?
Smiling at not so quiet secrets, laughing and playing and conversing as if every word that came from your mouth was something that could change the world?
You wanted to change the world.
You wanted to help.
You wanted to share your love with everyone who would have it.
But it all fell apart, and when it did you were still so young.

When you realized that "perfect" childhood was lie upon adulterated lie.
When the memories you subconsciously repressed emerged from their hiding places
When you remembered cowering in front of tall dark shadows wished the pain would go away.
When you remembered being ridiculed for everything you held onto and loved so dearly
When you remembered being ignored and left behind
When you grew up and realized that loneliness is a reoccurring theme and everyone eventually leaves.
When you grew up and realized that hurting yourself before others can was the best way out.
When you learned how to suppress the tears you were just a child.

We lost who we were somewhere along this dark and winding road and we don't know where to go from here.
The past is forever biting at our ankles.
The present is forever in the distance so close but always just out of reach.
Trying to forget is near impossible
Trying to move on...moving on..

Why cant we just start new?
Why can't everything just work it self out.
Why couldn't I have been normal like everyone else???
Why do I have to suffer and fight this battle every waking moment of everyday
Why do I have to feel this sadness when I know that I am beyond happy..
Why can't I smile like the beautiful children do
Why am I broken
Why was I forced into this life, into this way of being at such a young age.

I never grew up
I never had what so many others had.
I was always alone
I was always sad
I always am sad
I want to smile
I want to laugh
I want to be more than a melancholy sigh
I want to be more than :what's wrong"
I want to be More than that "odd looking" girl.
I want to go back to being loving and happy and youthful.

But I can't, I closed that door many many years ago.
They helped ensure it would never be reopened.
They helped me "grow up" and forget all the world had to offer me
They helped me find contentment in a sad life
They made sure I'd never stand up again, I'd stay on my knees forever

Perhaps that's where I belong.

Broken.

Alone.

Loveless.

Hopeless.

Begging for a release.
It feels better when you're sad and hurting and wishing for one good thing to happen.
It feels better when shes hoping you won't find out.
The intensity of that orgasmic moment.
The rush the screaming the dragging and begging for more.
In that moment she is so close yet so far away
In that moment she matters.
In that moment nothing else exists.