I don't know whats wrong in my head.

I haven't truly slept in years, not that it bothers me, I couldn't sleep even if i wanted to.
 I don't need it.

My mind usually keeps me up all night with thoughts and memories, most are cheerful and "happy" but tonight my logical brain is working on overload.

I'm wondering if this is my self destructive nature. I enjoy something so I must sub-consciously push it out and hope that losing a good thing hurts less than getting hurt in the end. I've become so accustomed to doing this that it seems my mind is doing this on it's own now, but for once, I'm not deeply afraid of getting hurt. So why am I doing this to myself?

All that's going on in my head is one phrase.

FUCK UP.

You're going to fuck it up Lauren, you always do, it's the only thing you can rely on.

I hope I'm wrong.