she.

who is she.
the girl secure in her insecurities
the one who laughs at herself for crying.
she loves too hard and breaks to easily
her biggest down fall is her own mind.

she is me.
but why refer to myself as being who i am.
it's easier to accept that this is who SHE is
not who i am.
but I am her.

A Pirate and Her Lady Friend [ final version May 4, 2012]

Lyrics I wrote long ago about someone I once knew. About a night that happened many moons ago and falling in love without being in love. Friendships come and go, it hurts to move on but this was meant to be about accepting what life brings us and moving forward from heartache and letting go of bitterness. I value our friendship for what it was. Over the course of writing it became about hope and finding new love and after many revisions became the following piece.I thought it's be nice to share it with the Internet as well as remind myself of a cold hallows night when we were still young and life made so much sense and that it is possible to find new love. Side note, this was meant to be more simple acoustic and folk inspired influenced by iron and wine however, I never got to the instrumental. Now these are just words on a page [ screen ] that I hold on to and learn from.

Look me in the eye, tell me you don't remember
A pirate and her lady friend laughing into the night sky
As stars and moons, hung above us
When your eyes met mine and you held me close, said you'd never let go
Sitting side by side weaving cigarette smoke in circles around each others hearts
Playing guiter, whispering words we'd never repeat
Secrets we'd keep, in the backseat of a worn out car parked on an empty street.

And I miss you, Do you miss me? Can I see you one last time,
Before she takes you away again, can we pretend?
Share our last cigerette and goodbye a sweeter way?
Darling, I'm dying for you to stay [I'm dying, please stay]
I know when I let go, life will bring us together another day

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't remember
A young boy and his lady friend laughing up at the clear sky
The coulds and suns  that hung above you
When you kissed her for the first time, and promised she'd always be yours
Sitting side by side weaving cigarette smoke in circles around each others hearts
Hearing her sing, telling her things you would dream
It was just as it seemed...

I still miss you, do you miss me?
Can I see you one last time?
Before you run away from life again, can we pretend?
Share our last cigarette and kiss before you go away?
You know I'm dying for you to stay
But life has a funny way, she'll bring us together another day.

Please look me in the eye, and tell me you'll always remember a pirate and her lady friend
Tell me someday the world can bring us together again
We can laugh about the times we cried,
Finding what was lost, the secrets we'd hide
Sitting side by side, on a cold hallows night,
Just a pirate and her lady friend, my sweet friend
We're reaching the end.
Of our last pack of cigarettes and our final goodbye.

Missing Someone.

Missing someone is the strangest feeling I've had to deal with in a good amount of time. I'm used to the sadness, the depression, the anger, and discontentment, I'm starting to get used to being happy, to not being emotionally lonely all the time, but missing someone... that feeling is so unexplainable.

Missing someone makes you sad. It makes your heart, your actual heart, long for him. At the same time you feel happy, because you think of everything he does that makes you smile, and you get excited thinking about the next time you'll see him. Then those emotions collide and between the longing and excitement you achieve the great sense of contentment that leaves you feel fully satisfied in a way that is really indescribable. Indescribable just like him.

It was disappointment after pathetic disappointment from the day you were born.
Even the brighter days were all lies, they smiled and naive as you were you bought it
You were so forgiving, so loving, so enchanted with the world and all life had to offer
you loved the sunshine, sang so loud, you weren't afraid, the bravest person she ever met  and all at such a young age .
Do you remember laughing so hard you made others cry?
Smiling at not so quiet secrets, laughing and playing and conversing as if every word that came from your mouth was something that could change the world?
You wanted to change the world.
You wanted to help.
You wanted to share your love with everyone who would have it.
But it all fell apart, and when it did you were still so young.

When you realized that "perfect" childhood was lie upon adulterated lie.
When the memories you subconsciously repressed emerged from their hiding places
When you remembered cowering in front of tall dark shadows wished the pain would go away.
When you remembered being ridiculed for everything you held onto and loved so dearly
When you remembered being ignored and left behind
When you grew up and realized that loneliness is a reoccurring theme and everyone eventually leaves.
When you grew up and realized that hurting yourself before others can was the best way out.
When you learned how to suppress the tears you were just a child.

We lost who we were somewhere along this dark and winding road and we don't know where to go from here.
The past is forever biting at our ankles.
The present is forever in the distance so close but always just out of reach.
Trying to forget is near impossible
Trying to move on...moving on..

Why cant we just start new?
Why can't everything just work it self out.
Why couldn't I have been normal like everyone else???
Why do I have to suffer and fight this battle every waking moment of everyday
Why do I have to feel this sadness when I know that I am beyond happy..
Why can't I smile like the beautiful children do
Why am I broken
Why was I forced into this life, into this way of being at such a young age.

I never grew up
I never had what so many others had.
I was always alone
I was always sad
I always am sad
I want to smile
I want to laugh
I want to be more than a melancholy sigh
I want to be more than :what's wrong"
I want to be More than that "odd looking" girl.
I want to go back to being loving and happy and youthful.

But I can't, I closed that door many many years ago.
They helped ensure it would never be reopened.
They helped me "grow up" and forget all the world had to offer me
They helped me find contentment in a sad life
They made sure I'd never stand up again, I'd stay on my knees forever

Perhaps that's where I belong.

Broken.

Alone.

Loveless.

Hopeless.

Begging for a release.
It feels better when you're sad and hurting and wishing for one good thing to happen.
It feels better when shes hoping you won't find out.
The intensity of that orgasmic moment.
The rush the screaming the dragging and begging for more.
In that moment she is so close yet so far away
In that moment she matters.
In that moment nothing else exists.

Lucid.

Curled up in bed with a fresh cup of mint honey tea,
Imagining all that she can do and create and every way to get there.
To get what she wants and desires more than anything.
The prospect of not doing it alone, for once having it all.
Having it all within her grasp, the perfect life
Fading away at the sun's first light.

Life is a Game

I wrote this "diary" entry almost 2 years ago. After randomly coming across it I realize that nearly 2 years later I still feel the same way. I'm still playing the same game, I'm fairly sure I'll always be playing this game but maybe that's what life is about, finding joy in the most mediocre of games.

Life is merely a game, the question is just which game are you playing.

Recently i was thinking about life. Not in a bad way or a good way, i was just thinking about how many people in this world choose to live. Quite honestly after a week of thought followed by an unforeseen discussion on the subject I've come to the conclusion that life is a game. A game of strategy. You see its all about making the right moves selecting the path you will take considering your opponents moves and then making a choice based on your gut instincts. I think often times many people don't take it too seriously, they play a game of candy land and see the world through rose colored glasses. Other times people play battleship just trying to bring other people down. The games people chose to base their lives on are endless, but personally i chose to play a simple game of chutes and ladders. I roll the dice and make a move i climb up and up only to (unexpectedly) fall down and make my way back up again. I know it sounds juvenile but just take some time to consider your own life, what game you're playing, and what game you should be be playing.

Well that's it, I hope I've given you something to think about. Feel free to comment below.

Hi. I'm Lauren. Most people just call me a ticking time bomb.

Self Explanatory.
My mind is a terrible place to get lost in.
The lovely disgusting wonderland within my being.
The place you can travel to when you look into my eyes.
My eyes. Black, cold, unfeeling yet full of inexplicable warmth.
Warmth from a fire that burns within , the fire that destroys, the fire that renews.

As Seen Through The Heart Of a Disillusioned Girl

This is possibly the first passage of something I am writing, It started off as a "memoir" of sorts until I realized that all my problems were self inflicted and started as a result of self destructive "relationships" I used as temporary comfort at a time I refused to face reality. This is really a journey of renewed self discovery and one of healing and growth. Learning what I can about myself, realizing that perhaps, for once, I do deserve something good to happen to me.

I was an average child, living an average life. I grew up in an average town, amongst average people, and life was uneventful. I was a hopeful child though, loving, trusting, naive. I was sunshine bundled up in blunt fringe and pale skin,  I might have always been that way, pure and innocent, had I not stayed off the path of normalcy. Nobody cares about the good times, well, if I could even truthfully call them good. Funny how you never realize how terrible life is when you're a child. You just float on thinking that everything is ok, but it's not. People are hurting, dying, crying all around us and in our simple little mind we don't realize anything outside of our worlds of toy trucks, Barbie dolls, and the 4 walls of the playhouse that was built just for you.

 I can never really pinpoint when things got so...hectic. But they did. Things got so fucked up and I couldn't handle it, I almost gave up so many times. I had my own kind of drug that got me through all the bullshit an angsty kid can possibly encounter. That drug, that drug was "love" or, at least the illusion of it. . I'm going to record everything, every boy that served as a temporary bandage for the broken heart of a broken girl. Every fake "i love you" that I used to get them to do what I wanted, to get them to say what I needed to hear. Every time I left one of them for the next thing, and the few times I got left. Most times it was a "romantic"  connection, I use the word romantic loosely as I've never truly been "romanced" I doubt it even exists. When they weren't make out buddies they were friends that I loved with my all who just left. I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to start here, where everything got fucked up, the first hit I ever took.

So this is what it feels like...

I never thought my life would ever consist of " i miss yous" but it appears that the tides have turned and that's what goes on now, and I'm totally cool with that. Haha , ok more than that, but I can't show how hopeful I am now can I? I mean holding hands so isn't something I do, or cuddling, or kissing. Haha, I am not an affectionate person, at least not until now. I'm actually digging it. Like, seriously, I'm into it. No sarcasm intended, for once in my life haha. It feels so right it should be wrong, and I'm fighting the feeling. Trying to deny the fact that something good might possibly happen, because this is so much more than I'm used to. Pretty much the total package, something I am not and do not deserve. Nonetheless it's something that as of sometime yesterday or this morning, things are cloudy in my mind, is "all mines". Bleh, I'm that girl. Fuck. Never thought it would happen. Whatever I'm thinking about it too much, this is nothing serious and I plan on fully enjoying every bit of the adventure because, regardless of what my brain is saying, I've got a good thing going right now and I can't get enough.

Thoughts and Erik

Erik was the one who tried to set me on the right path, he really tried to be the brother figure I needed not the one that ******* would pretend to be. Erik helped me through a lot and I never give him the credit for doing so. I'll never forget what he told me, about falling in love. "Every time you think you're falling in love you're giving a small piece of your heart away,  when you find the guy that's right for you you'll only have broken pieces left for him". Erik, mexican jesus philosopher of the hood and mean streets of Montebello. That piece of advice helped me through many things in life. It helped me with ******, and ******, and ****, and even my ex. The thing is I don't think you give away a piece of your heart, or if you do you take it back at one point or another. I think that the memories you have with that person become fire. Fire can either hurt or heal and it's up to us to decide how we let the fire affect us.
I mean when you get down to the core of any feeling you may have for someone it's all in the mind, this feeling with the heart thing is bullshit. Everything has a logical purpose and we compensate for it by saying we're going with what our heart tells us. I don't know where I'm going with this, lets just end it here. No life lesson, no tied ends, come to your own conclusion.

Perhaps I'll write an Autobiography..

The desire, the cravings, are getting stronger everyday. I yearn for the sharp yet pleasurable pain brought by what starts as a single, small prick.  The puckered kisses of scarlet left behind, intertwined, yet fading faster and faster. I never did it because I wanted to die. Well, perhaps at some point...

 I remember the first time, the broken glass lying on the floor from the mirror I destroyed in pure hate, anger and angst. I remember getting down on my knees for the first of what would be many many times, crying, tears turning into a wicked laugh. Picking up that jagged shard and plunging it into my arm, dragging, pushing, smiling as I saw the result of my work. I remember falling into a deep sleep and waking up at 1 a.m. in my room wondering what had happened. I was 10. I was too young. I've always been to young for the terrible decisions I make.

Once you start you can never stop, the cravings get stronger and stronger until you realize that you don't want the blade, you need it. I remember being in middle school, 8th grade, when I thought my friends were starting to notice. I took up an interest in boys, the second vice I'd ever bring upon myself. They stopped asking.

Suddenly I was in High School, more terrible than I'd ever been, when I wasn't with someone of the opposite gender I was alone with a book of poetry and a razor. I had evolved into something else. 

Then "he" came along. Spoke words that weren't pretty but made me feel a little less insignificant. I remember when those words stopped. When the "i love yous" turned into I fucked her, and her, and her, and her. The feeling of not wanting to let go of the one person who at some distant point in the past  had made me feel... less like shit, that feeling cut me deeper than anything else.

It got out of hand, spiraled out of control too quickly. I remember sitting in class when one particular wound decided to open itself and stain my sleeve with the sweet nectar of anguish, fear, and pain. Someone noticed. For the first time. A friend, someone I hoped would never discover how weak I was and always had been behind the confidant and smiled exterior sugar coated in laughter. Class finished, he asked to see, I declined. He stole my supplies, everything I needed. I begged him for everything back. I cried, I'd do anything for him to keep it quiet, anything. He held me. He always had a way of calming me with an embrace, I've never expressed my emotions to anyone the way I did to him that day.

Unwillingly he returned my supplies, with a condition. I could never ever under any circumstance do it again. Not over that piece of shit. I agreed. I kept my end of the deal. I still do to this very day despite the fact that just like everyone else I'd ever cared for he left me. I still ache for the feeling though. No, I don't want to kill myself. No, I'm not delusional. I want the feeling of the pure vino flowing from me. To see the way my blood beads, and turns into flowing rivers traveling down my wrists dripping down falling into my lap.

The scars are almost all but healed up now, practically invisible to the unsearching eye. "Lies" is etched on my arm, I fear the memory of those lies will never fade away. I try to be strong, remind myself that my mind is too beautiful of a thing to lose, but the thoughts creep in with minds of their own. I wonder what it is, what it is that makes me want to cause myself  such harm. Why am I so self destructive? Even now I try to destroy any good thing that may come my way. Why? What's wrong with me, in me? Why, because I'm a terrible person. My mind is a disgusting place, and I will keep that secret from the rest of my being until the day I die. I will never show anyone how truly repulsive I am. It will be my disgusting secret, a deranged joke amongst the few who think they understand who I am. They don't. They don't know that I myself, have grown into an abomination hiding under a warm smile. The don't know how troubled I am, I'd rather it be that way.

I'd rather help everyone else, make them smile, and give them my love, than waste the effort on myself.  

 

 

 

 

 



Unbecoming

She has something to say but no one will hear her
So much to give but no one will have her , or...
Perhaps she gave it all away, many lifetimes ago
Desperate lies to herself,
People she never knew... never saw her
Never would, even if she wanted them to
Naive rose bud, your imagination always has been her downfall
Blossoming into a dream
Nightmarish tendencies plaguing every thought
Every action, Every aspect of who she is used to be
Because lying to herself was sweeter than facing the fact that she was lost and alone and always had been and continues to be.
And holding onto something that isn't real was easier than chasing after something so beautiful ever will be.
Second place is her fortress of silence Silence that breeds thoughts
Thoughts that weren't meant to be spoken into reality
Reality that became...
Became everything she ever wanted
Wanted, but knew she would never know
Know what it felt like to live a happy little life like the happy little people who were always boasting their joy.
Joy? What is joy.
She never knew.
She could only pretend.
She wasn't ever anything and she never would be and no matter what she tried she'd always be her, that girl she tried so hard to unbecome, that girl that held fast onto her soul all these years. That girl that killed the girl that everyone once loved.
That girl...which girl?
I, she... we? Can't say.
Never will.
We've been silenced from the start.
We've been ignored, hurt, cut, murdered
Time and time again.
Those who repeat history....
But are we truly doomed?
The downfall is beautiful
The self destruction of an insecure anti social invisible girl.
The destruction of  us?
The destruction I bring upon myself time and time and god damned time again.
The destruction behind the knowledge of a beautiful hope.
A new beginning.
The destruction of everything she ever knew.
The destruction I myself welcome.
The possibility of ...

I don't know whats wrong in my head.

I haven't truly slept in years, not that it bothers me, I couldn't sleep even if i wanted to.
 I don't need it.

My mind usually keeps me up all night with thoughts and memories, most are cheerful and "happy" but tonight my logical brain is working on overload.

I'm wondering if this is my self destructive nature. I enjoy something so I must sub-consciously push it out and hope that losing a good thing hurts less than getting hurt in the end. I've become so accustomed to doing this that it seems my mind is doing this on it's own now, but for once, I'm not deeply afraid of getting hurt. So why am I doing this to myself?

All that's going on in my head is one phrase.

FUCK UP.

You're going to fuck it up Lauren, you always do, it's the only thing you can rely on.

I hope I'm wrong.

Intersection.

Somehow I've found myself here
For possibly the first time of my life,
I want, more than I need.
I crave, and can taste
something that is just beyond my reach.

How is that that I can want
something that I've never wanted
and not want something that I want
want and not want or want and want.
And to not know what any of it means.

My logical being is at war with my emotional being.
But my brain might just have what it wants
The word satisfaction comes to mind.
Only better than satisfaction.
But admitting that,

Admitting that makes me weak.

Smoking the Ashes of Memories Long Forgotten

Every word, that needed to be said was said. The remnants of conversations past and present started to fade away.
Funny isn't it? No matter how hard we try to cleanse ourselves of the memory of each other it comes back to haunt us in every new person we meet. I call it the curse of this sad little town that I'm so desperately trying to escape.
Everything I want to say, every word, every syllable, every punctuation mark is hiding somewhere in the recesses of my disgusting mind. The mind that holds the keys to the secret of everything we could ever hope to want to know. I spent hours wasting away every vowel the world had to offer me, I filled libraries with my knowledge and watched it all burn away.
Every page, every word, every letter.... all gone with the aid of my last cigarette.
So I'll smoke the ashes, and hope she comes back again, because lonely nights of desperation without inspiration lead me to believe that everything I could ever hope to be is all just a lie and my art will never be good enough for anyone outside of this hell hole. Because we're all just so content living these lies and I do;t want to have to stay here forever because =e this worlds to big of a place to waste away in one deserted town that's deteriorating in front of our very faces.
How long will we avoid the truth, we? Them, or rather, you. How long do you want to pretend that you're happy in this mediocre place. Lets just pile one happy lie on top of the other until they all come toppling down on us, crushing the very fabric of reality as we know it, leading us to the light that is the grey sky on a rainy day in the middle of a field of sunflowers and gravestones overlooking the rest of our lives.

Everything I write is based in fact ,though the feelings I want to have are fiction.

So we sat there, for what seemed like hours, the silence was blinding. "It's cold" he murmured, she nodded, "yea, i didn't realize, it is a bit chilly". Silence. She sat down on the damp soft ground, leaned back, and looked up. The night sky always amazed me she thought, he was standing over her, looking her in the eyes. It had been years since she'd seen him that way. Slowly, she rose, almost inspecting him, had closed his eyes, his head was turned upward but she knew he could feel the intensity of her gaze on him.

"Do you think I've changed?" He asked without compromising his stance. He knew what her answer would be, of course he had changed.It had been 5 years since they had last spoken. Since she realized he wanted nothing to do with her, since he broke her, not just her heart but her entire fragile being. He had changed,first when that girl made him. Made him turn his back, made him forget, and leave everyone in the past. And then again when the same girl who claimed to love him beat him down and  destroyed him. He had changed, he had become colder, more bitter, and even more unfeeling than before. He was far from the boy whom she had spent windy autumn afternoons with. Far from the boy who played his guitar, who smiled from the inside out, who cared without thought. It had been years since she last saw him and of course he had changed.

Looking down, remembering the hurt she felt when he left, a single tear escaped without permission.  Quickly regaining her composure and looking him in the eyes she whispered" We all change whether we want to or not, it's inevitable."

He nodded, It had been years since they had been here, in this place. In the middle of the ancient cemetery under this exact tree, next to the tombstone so old and eroded it was impossible to make out any inscription that had previously existed. Even after he left she would still come here, sit under this tree write songs with no music and dream of the day she'd get away. She remembered the day she escaped that wretched small town, coming back here once again hoping and praying that after 12 months without contact he'd be there with an embrace and a smile and a kiss on the cheek to send her off, just like it used to be.  But he wasn't there and she left with no intention of ever returning. However, life has a funny way of bringing us back to our roots, and after almost 4 years across the nation studying and working her ass of she had to return to California.

She was living in Burbank, alone with her small terrier in a small but comfortable apartment. She was supposed to be getting dinner but the minute she got into her car she couldn't stop driving. An hour and a half later here she was, parked in front of the old cemetery climbing over the top of an ancient cast iron gate and walking aimlessly until she reached that spot. And there he was. It was as if he had never left.

She layed eyes on him for the first time in too long she wanted to cry but she couldn't, she was too hurt, all her feelings were rushing back she loved him she always had, why hadn't she told him before it was too late? Why did she let him leave, they were best friends, soul mates, he could have been the one! She was so lost in her own tormented thoughts shed hadn't noticed that she'd been realized.

When she looked at him, she could tell he remembered her. He said her name, more as a question than a statement. They talked for hours. And then realised the time 3am. They both wanted to say they needed to leave but didn't and now here they were talking about change.

Venus Fly

She smirked, that playful smirk, he hated it. It reeked of the arrogance of knowing that she had won that round. She hadn't given in, she was going to leave him there wanting, waiting, till his next chance to prove he was worthy of her. She looked back as she pulled on her coat, "Life isn't about getting what we want, it's about setting up a plan, executing said plan and taking what is rightfully ours when we decide its no longer a want, but a need."

He couldn't help but to look directly at her as the words slid, ever so softly, through her lips. She was just out of arms reach, he could make the move but he knew that's what she wanted. He wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

He remembered when they had first met. How innocent she had seemed, how gullible she was. What had changed her? Made her so cold? Was it life, or had she just gotten smarter? The range of questions filled his mind. Within seconds he regained his composure.

He slowly stood up, helped her with her coat took her hand and escorted her from the restaurant to her vehicle, and opened her door. "What a gentleman", she whispered leaning in closer to him than even she had expected. He knew what was coming and he was prepared. Just as she leaned further he pulled away, and cooed  "Wants and needs kitten, wants...and...needs". He turned and rounded a nearby corner leaving her stunned and alone.

He knew what game she intended to play, and he had bested her this time. She had fallen victim in her own trap and he was now in charge. For how long neither of them knew, but he would enjoy it as long as he could.

Nameless [ feb 2011]

a girl with a broken heart
is a girl who feels no love at all
perhaps one time love truely flourished
now her heart is criticly malnourished.

love heals and hurts
love fills you up and leaves you empty
love...is it love or deception
is it love ... is she loved
a girl who loves is a gift..
but no one will recieve her.

An old slam from august 2011 *posting for eileen*

Shut your mouth you self-absorbed media slut
Your talk is cheap like the whores you find
Out on the street again?
Ha, I’m not surprised
Back seat alley sex animalistic pleasantly unclean you’ve forgotten who you really are
Prostitution legalities, Selling yourself for table scraps
Cocaine crumbs keep the demons away
At night it comes alive restless, mindless cannibalistic, Eating them alive discarding empty shells
Wandering souls crying out in my head
Resentment adoration equality segregation
The kingdom of hell is his only choice
Burning flesh .No, freezing hearts
Self-righteous religious hypocrites faking your way through a pathetic life
Content with the average poverty you live in food stamps for the poor
Homeless lifeless take advantage of any open space
Please me tease me biting moaning
Screaming as the remains of who you once were are hacked off in so many small pieces
Taboo rituals sacrificing yourself to the general public
You’re theirs now
You’re their toy
You’re the soul they got away with
You’ve become your own demon

Random Relationship Advice From Lady Hitch (:

To be honest I've been so reluctant to date or even meet new guys these days.

Its just too hard to meet someone who can be genuine, sweet, funny , and nice, WITHOUT an alterieor motive.

I mean the way these guys treat ladies these days is damn near ridiciulous. I mean girls aren't innocent either, they can really screw someone over too. But the thing is you can't go out expecting to meet a perfect mate without putting any work into it. The main focus in a relationship these days is sex, and that sucks for the younger generation i mean if your going to indulge  its going to happen but the main focus on a relationship should be intamacy and there are plenty of ways to share intamite moments without having erm... "sexy time". Scroobius Pip said it best when he said "There are plenty of ways to have some fun without impregnation" adding to that if you want a succsessful relationship take the focus off of sex and put it into something better that can better yourslef and your partner.

I guess I'm just very turned off when everyone just treats everyone else as if they're diposable because people are not disposable.

Not only that but i feel like the perfect person is going to come out of nowhere. someone who isn't repulsed by my love of elves, wolves, DeadSpace, Lord Of The Rings, Paranormal stuff, and well all the nerdy stuff i'm into. *sigh* if such a person exists lol.

But I can't be too closed off for every nerd girl in disguise  there is one nerd boy waiting to play video games and read comics and talk about books with.

MAIN POINT!!! I don't need someoneto make me happy. I'm proud to say that I'm perfectly content in my life and with myself *giving herself hugs* but when that person comes around i want to accept him with open arms. I want the next person i get serious with to be the last person i get serious with.

MAIN POINT #2 You have to work on yourself before you can work on a relationship with someone else. Until then have fun life isn't about how many people you kiss *wish i could go back in time and tell younger lauren nichole that!* its about having fun with friends. When the time is right you will meet that amazing special someone who will always be there for you *please God soon lol*.

I guess i just want to reassure all other nerd girls in waiting that yes there is a boy for you. And yes you are allowed to not want to be with someone being single is rewardin and nothing to be ashamed of.

Don't let a stupid boy ruin your golden years,


LOVE ALWAYS

Lauren Nichole

Last Year In Cali

So if everything goes my way, this is my last year in California. Hopefully by Feburary I'll be safe and sound in Pennsylvania. The thing is that I haven't done much exploring since i turned 18 and i feel like i need to do some serious exploring of the california wilderness/strange places/ abandoned bulidings before i go to many miles away!!! Anyone know any good places?

Always Who We Used to Be

When you grow up you'll realize that everyone you were using... was really just using you. And when you come to that point, I'll still be here., waiting

i won't be where you left me but somewhere better and it's up to you in the future to meet me at where we were supposed to be in the past

and i know the tears will flow, and our hearts will ache and our minds will question and the light will show us

things we missed when we grew up children's games and angels playthings

but until then I've lost you in the blackness and I'll never find you again until then you are a memory that never happened. and the person i used to love never existed and the girl you knew was only a mirage and the laughs we shared were cries of desperation and the tears we shed mere pleas for forgiveness

and i watch as the fire consumes you as it swallows you whole and leaves me with ashes and i fall as the wind carries the remains of memories shared and hope and pray the only time she ever prayed for you to come back home

i lost you once, but losing him again...

but I'm smarter then that and I'm stronger then her and as the fire took you away it brought me back with one last smile before i let you fade away because i let you pretend to be my dream but what is a dream if nothing more then a pleasant nightmare and you aren't in my nightmares anymore she screams at the moon with one final tear.

I AM HAUNTED!!!

Or at least there are ghosts all around.

So seriously, I was going to do videos about this, but then had 3 realizations:

1. That's super lame.
2. I would never have the camera on me when most stuff happens.
3. Honestly even if it was on video you people wouldn't believe me!

basically where it all started, kimberly crest top story is where you can allegedly see the lady of the house i think her name was mary? Its definitely creepy here and i've heard some EVP from here real or fake i can only tell you what i've seen for myself but if you want i can link the page down below somewhere...

Let me begin by telling you a little story of my "paranormal"...experiences? Eh, I don't know what to call it but OK whatever.


From a young age I was always attracted to strange and different things than other kids were [in the 90's, these days kids are too crazy] anyways, I always have believed in the paranormal. Let me tell you this. I grew up in an extremely conservative household! My mom basically raised me in an extremely Conservative Pentecostal baptist church. I was never exposed to movies or any kind of media that would influence the things that i saw or heard until at least the age of 10!

I've always been able to read people and have always had the craziest deja-vu. Not only that but I've always sensed how different places feel. I know it sounds absolutely crazy,  but is totally true. Being a kid who has no idea what this feeling was and trying to explain it got me labeled as a kid with an overactive imagination, which i mean my imagination is pretty damn good but wasn't the cause behind this stuff.

 I grew up in one of the top 50 haunted cities IN AMERICA! Ir ranks in top 10 most haunted cities in CA and is ranked the top 3 highest population of occult/satanic groups in a particular area [although I'm not sure if this is just in CA or for all of America...] Yes these are real numbers and i only found this out maybe less than a year ago. The city is old, historic, and full of creepy buildings. Honestly, if somewhere were to be haunted it would be Redlands.

Once upon a time my old school decided it would be good to take my class out on a field trip of all the monuments and important/old buildings of any historical value in the city. I was in 1st grade and was either 5 or 6 years old, but I'm going to say 5 because i think it was before my birthday... While visiting our first location i got a weird feeling that i can not even begin to explain. It lasted thoughtout our walk through the bamboo forest, prospect park, and the Kimberley mansion. Being a kid out with my friends on a field trip i thought nothing of it until, that is, while standing in front of a beautiful water fountain i saw something move in one of the windows. Being the church going youngster that i was, i dismissed it as one of the tour guides. So we walk inside this mansion and while everyone is standing listening to the tour guide i notice a table cloth moving around quite a bit, but i figured it was the wind or something and thought nothing more of it. During the trip we went on to visit a few other locations some where i felt a little weird and others where i felt nothing at all. Honestly you guys i can't stress enough how damn innocent i used to be so really nothing strange ever crossed my mind during this whole trip. After finally returning to school from the field trip one of my friends decides to tell me that some of the places we went were haunted. After mildly geeking out [i wasn't really ever afraid of ghosts] and playing with my friends ii forgot about the whole incident.

Since then in certain situations or places i get the same feeling the whole aura feels different sometimes a little , other times alot. Sometimes i see things, other times [rarely] i can hear things and its kind of really creepy but i wouldn't say impossible. To add to it i have always had extreme deja vu. I dream things sometimes even day dream and it will happen within the week. Lately my deja-vu is getting more and more frequent, which kind of creeps me out A whole lot.

What got me started was today while totally alone i heard someone whisper to me, all they said was "hey", i think 2 times. Needless to say it sounds damn crazy, which is why i don't go around advertising it. Because it's not like it happens often but i am a little freaked out and i think it's a good idea to record the things i see, hear, dream or whatever somewhere so maybe someone can see [as if anyone cares lol.] Maybe if these entries get alot of hits I'll move them to another blog [not sure yet] but who knows, maybe I'm imagining it all. Whatever the case its weird and i want to go ghost hunting to see if this is just my head messing with me in cases of stress or if its the real deal, which lets be honest, the latter seems to be the More likely case. Who knows though ?

Anyways that's it for now and until next time much love,

Lauren Nichole a.k.a HYPEZ

Writing Songs

It's been forever and 2 days since I've actually taken my time to write a good song.

Now I'm trying to make it happen and my mind has been a blank. I'll admit I've had some good ideas but how....where, does it all connect?

I  like to go off of my experiances, but I'm tired of writing about losing friends!!!

Hahaha, but really i'm drawing a blank and need new material soon!

Laggin It & Getting Poked

My blog is so dead these days , it used to be everyday and now i never post.

Originally i stopped posting because i was writing everything down in another  place lol, but now im like damn girl you straight laggin on the vids and shit.

BUT! I will be posting here once a week and new video once a week or more if i can [exact days aren't set yet] but whatever i'm actually having a social life these days ;p

Well its 4am and i'm being poked by i don't even know what, i hope not a bug, and i'm going to try to sleep nite yall!

My Rules For Living

Rule #1: DON'T FALL IN LOVE
Rule #2: Always follow your dreams
Rule #3: Trust no one
Rule #4: Show confidence at all times,no matter what.
Rule #5: Do whatever it takes to get what you want
Rule #6: Always be the first to pull away from a kiss, no matter how steamy it gets.
Rule #7: Maintain inner peace
Rule #8: Be as kind as can be in regards to all lifeforms
Rule #9: Never sleep with a virgin
Rule #10: When you can't kill them with a smile, sharpen your tongue and let them have it.
Rule #11: Speak your mind and share every "worthless" magnificent thought your lovely head creates ;)
Rule #12: Your wants come before anyone elses
Rule #13: Never let them silence you
Rule #14: Go Out out on at least 3 proper dates with a guy before friend zoning him
Rule #15:DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT GIVE IT UP WITHOUT A FIGHT!!!
Rule #16: Let music be your saviour
Rule #17: Bros before Hoes.
Rule #18: Do not ever...EVER date younger than you.
Rule #19: YOU ARE ALWAYS UP FOR A FUN TIME!
Rule #20: Family first

Perfect Healthy Hair!

SO if you haven't seen my hair video here it is:

But I know I get a bit rambly (is that a word? Idk but whatever...) Anyways i tend to ramble on and on so here is every product i use and some steps to take to get your hair healthy, whether you've just died it, its heat damaged, or you just want your hair to be even more silky shiny and healthy (:

So here is a recap of everything i do to keep my hair soft and healthy:

1. Take cold/lukewarm showers, hot water = dry hair.
2. Use a hydrating shampoo and repairing conditioner. This depends on your hair type but look for shampoos and conditioners that are either hydrating, strengthening, or repairing.
3.  Don't wash your hair everyday, it needs natural oils to help it get strong and healthy and to grow. I wash my hair every other day, or 3 times a week.
4. Use a dry shampoo, there are tons i recommend using BEYOND THE ZONE, if you are just beginning try Tresemme its really easy to use and work your way up to dry powder or baby powder.
5. Use a deep conditioner after coloring your hair or after a week of intense heating tools.
6. Use the Aussie Deep conditioner at least once a week, it will work wonders!
7. Use split end menders to prevent split ends so your hair can retain more moisture.
8. Use a heat protecting oil or spray to protect your hair from the hot sun!
9. I FORGOT TO SAY THIS IN THE VIDEO BUT: make sure you are getting the proper vitamins, this can really affect hoe your hair grows. There are pills that are specifically meant for hair but make sure you are getting all you need.
10: I ALSO FORGOT THIS IN THE VIDEO BUT DO NOT BRUSH YOUR HAIR EXCESSIVELY IT LOOSENS THE ROOTS AND CAUSES HAIR TO FALL OUT

AND THIS TIP IS FOR GUY TOO:
TRY NOT TO USE AN EXCESS AMOUNT OF HAIRSPRAY OR GEL. This clogs the pores and causes hair loss and prevents hair growth.


Here are the products i use and show in the video [some of them weren't in the vid so i included pics]

Organix Shampoo & Conditioner in Moroccan Tree Oil and Argon Oil

John Freida Hydrating Shampoo and conditioner

Aussie 3 minute Miracle Deep Conditioning Treatment

Ion Deep Conditioner

Aussie Split End Protector

Garnier Sleek and Shine Humidity Protector

Heat Protecting Oil

OK you guys I hope that this all works for you and if it does then like my video or comment this blog and tell me what else works for you. Like i said in the video i will be doing a hair masque soon so stay tuned!

Much Love,

Lauren Nichole (:

Get yo chickenhead off my screeen

my sis and i ran into this on our first time ever going on chat roulette...always i almost puked.

ultimate do no want.

Oh, hi there (:

So I'm officially awful. It's been awhile  since i last blogged but i'll fill you in on what i was doing for the past month and a half. Actually it's not much just the usual, school and all that goes with it..

Heehee, i saw my loves BIG TIME RUSH!!! So i'll have a video of that up soon...

Tonight I went out for a night in Riverside which was pretty fun,shopping and all. I saw the Lorax with my sister and it was sooo cute! I cried, yes i cried. OHHHH!!! And i saw power rangers on main!!! Ok thats it autobots out ;)

Much Love,

Lauren Nichole xoxo

You, and he, and him

You taught me to let my inner artist be free, to love without words and to see beyond what we choose to see.... you were the  first to understand me and it was you who set me free
And when you left I found another and he taught me to be wary of whom i choose to trust, but he also taught me how to be a being of affection and when he lied he taught me how to be strong, and the individual i needed to be.

And then there was him, through out it all standing at every corner on my path of trials and tribulations. My back bone my support, my love my blood my brother. My..... No. My reason to give up the edge, to strive for more. I remember him and what he taught me the most important lesson, to never take friendship personally.

After him there was another who taught me to be careful, but taught me to trust, to let go of the pain, to move on from the past... who taught me to love again, who showed me the meaning of life and love and art and history and freedom and spirituality and myself and the world around me but I would have never taught myself this new phantasmal way of life had it not been for...

You, and he, and him, and the countless other nameless souls who hae graced my life with their presence.

You and he and him, taught me the most

You and he and him, will always hold their places in my mind,

But you and he and him, will never hold my heart or my being again.

MEDUSA'S MAKEUP

Hey you guys so if you haven't seen it heres the review i did on ===============>MEDUSA'S MAKEUP
%15 off your entire order enter "IHEARTME" at the checkout (:

Math Class

If you dont feel this way then i dont know what to tell you lol you can just stop reading but i need to let my feelings be known.

I HATE MATH!!!

I absolutly abhore it.

I've found that no matter how awake i am the minute i step into a math class my eyes start to get heavy, i cant keep my head up and today i couldn't even stay awake.

Sigh, i dont know what to do about it , it seems like im even groing a resistance to coffee.

Well i better start keeping my eyes open! Got ay suggestions? Leave 'em down belowfor me.

Much Love,
-Lauren <3

Funny Stuff

Ok so i've been so boringg this week lol i apoligize im so busy i barely have time to write anything good for you all , i promise this will change within the next month you guys thanks for following my blog heres some funny stuff for you to put you eyeballs on for now (:



THIS REALLY SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENEING!!

http://peopleofwalmart.com

People Change, so Why Can't I?

Man people change. I was just reminiscing about the people i have grown to love and care about in my life and one thing i realized is that each of them has changed so dramatically.

Let me tell you one thing: when i have a friend i love them to death, i mean a legit totally there friend. I always have every ones back, and i mean always. If you need me I'll be there, if you're happy I'll celebrate with you, if you're sad I'll be your shoulder to cry on.

I think my "being there" is becoming detrimental to my personal well being. Sigh i hate to say this but I'm done wasting time and energy on people who aren't real friends.

Boring post i know but i have a bunch of math homework to do bye!!

Much Love
-Lauren♥

Monday Dreadful Moday #2

So its Monday, nothing exciting for you at all today, sorries :/

Well Its 10:30 I'm networking, blogging, trying to do speech, world history, math, and English homework all at once. Sigh -.-

Tell me about your Monday, hopefully its better then mine. Comment below (:

Much Love

- Lauren ♥

The Poe Toaster

I am a big fan of Edgar Allen Poe, really i love his work my favorite has to be "The Black Cat" and of course "The Raven" although I've always been a big fan of "The Masque Of The Red Death"...

Well all that is besides the point. For many many years now a mysterious cloaked man has been appearing to the grave of the deceased macabre writer and leaving three roses and a half empty bottle of Cognac. This man is referred to as The Poe Toaster, and no one has ever said to know his true identity. Amongst the community of Poe fans , the toaster is seen as a symbol of the mystery that has and will forever surround the master of macabre himself. For the past 3 years the toaster has failed to appear at the grave site on January 19 which may b=mean the end of this celebrated and world-famous tradition.

It makes me pretty sad that this tradition is over, maybe he died, got tired of it, sick perhaps? Who knows? It will always be a mystery, just like Poe himself. In my mind, and those of countless other worldwide they will both be celebrated and remembered.



OK , so i know this isn't my typical piece but it was of interest to me. This is MY blog ya' know! Want my opinion on something? Or have anything you want to hear about? Comment below and as always:

Much Love

-Lauren ♥

Nice Aim Bro

First off i want you to click this link ===> read me!

Ok now because i know some of you are going to be lazy and not click or read the link im going to tell you about a new game coming from SEGA.

The basic idea is a game concole combined with a urinal. The hope is that by lacing these games with blatent advertising the target market will hten choose to buy said product. The bst part is this is geared towards men, and more specificly drunk men.

First off, is this really what advertising has come to? I mean we dont even get a freakin break from the non-stop madness while trying to answer natures call? Think for a second, i know it mught hurt but think, and now that you've thought a alittle bit what do you think that says of any coorperations view of the general public? Sigh its a sad, sad world we live in...

Well regardless of whatever coorperations think im sure this will be a hit with every douche on planet earth so enjoy boys!

What does everyone else think about this? Comment below and let your feelings be known!

Much Love

- Lauren ♥

Don't get mad, seriously dont.

I've noticed that lately I tend to not get angry the way i used to. People can piss me off and I can and will stay relatively calm. I wasn't always this way, to be honest i don't even know how it happened like a switch just flipped or something. Now, don't get me wrong if you try really hard you can upset me but i really suggest you don't even try.

Anyways, the reason i point this out is because oh so many of the people surrounding me are in a constant rage and i just don't understand why. Honestly, what can be so bad, so awful and just unimaginable that somebody has to fly off the handle every 5 minutes?

I would like to say that there are ways to let out your frustrations in a way that is not detrimental to yourself or others such as writing, singing really really loud, blogging , & you tubing (seriously that's how i stay sane). If you have anger problems then fix it because not only does it scare those around you , I'm pretty sure it raises your blood pressure which i think can lead to death. And if it doesn't kill you , you might want to kill someone else and actually decide to go through with it. Point is just calm the hell down once in a while.

Don't believe me? Read this article.

So there you have it anger = death. Now stop getting mad.

Until Next Time & As Always Much Love

-Lauren ♥

But McDonalds Tastes like Foot...

So, today i heard of a very...interesting, story. If you haven't already heard I'll recap it for you , or you can read this article.

So apparently a lady in Burbank was so desperate for a chicken nugget she walked up to peoples cars, opened the car doors, and offered "sexual favors".

Now there’s a lot wrong with this whole situation...

Let’s start with this: Who the hell drives up into a shady ass McDonalds drive thru, in the middle of freakin Burbank, with the damn door unlocked??? I mean really I'm not as paranoid as most women in Southern California but, I’m pretty sure car doors lock for a freakin reason.

So the next thing i want to point out is that McDonalds is really not that good. It tastes like feet, not that I've tasted feet, but it tastes the way i imagine a foot would taste. I mean if the lady is going to give someone a "helping hand" or whatever it is she was doing then she should've, at the very least, gone to In-n-out. Seriously, somebody please tell me that she at least got the 50 piece, or maybe a happy meal? It comes with a toy right? At least then she would have something to keep her company.

And can we just acknowladge the fact that her name is Khadijah? I mean really now? Nameing your child something like that is like getting on your knees and begging the good lord for trouble.

Anyways, I'm not heartless. I do realize that she may have fallen upon hard times, maybe she was strung out, or had some sport of mental deficiency. Regardless of what she had going on her epic failure has made for an extremely good joke. So comment below and let me know what you think of this? Would you have helped her out?

Until Next Time and as always, much love.

-Lauren ♥

Monday, Dreadful Monday...

So normally i would welcome a Monday, as my day to sit back, relax and recover from my weekend (which was amazing, just saying). Anyways this Monday not so much.... it marks the end of my days of freedoms and lack of routine.

Tomorrow i have to wake up at 5:00 am get ready for a full day of...exciting? classes and lots of work. Now i know i should have been expecting this all along, i mean , it is the second semester of my freshman year in college but somewhere deep inside i was praying it would never come...

Ugh!!! I'm so not looking forward to it at all what-so-ever! But i guess it should be a good change because i was, cant believe I'm saying this, starting to miss homework...

Well cant wait (she said sarcastically) Wish me luck and i hope you all have an amazing week ♥

As Always Much Love and Until next time,

- Lauren ♥

HAPPY "BLAME SOMEBODY ELSE DAY!"

Did you know that the first Friday the 13th of every year is actually more then just some superstitious day where you have to avoid ladders and black cats? Yup people it's true, the first Friday the 13th of every year has been deemed blame somebody else day, so go ahead let your mistakes slip for a day and get on to blaming other people for things in which they have absolutely no control over!

People I Blame

So today i will blame all my "mistakes" on:


 The government, just because.



 Your mom!



My mom!!

Mass Media





Troll Dad...CURSE YOU TROLL DAD!

Anyone i subscribe to on youtube.


The stupidity of others


Hipsters. (nuff said).









OK so on that note have a good Friday the 13th, and blame somebody else if you don't (:

Who are you blaming today? Comment below!


Much Love

- Lauren ♥

Bleh People

So you know when there's that one person you love with all of your heart, and always miss when they're far away , but somehow you can never stand to be around ?

Well i have one of those, i guess you could say this person is one of my best friends, they always make me smile and laugh but for some reason being around this person always makes me incredabliy sad. I don't know why and its really starting to bother me because no matter how optimistic i am this person just brings me down to a really deep comtemplative place, and i don't like it at all! Well guess all i can do is try to stay my chipper self (:

Do any of you know someone like that? How do you handle them

Until next time & with tons of love

-Lauren ♥

No One Knows Best But YOU

Lately I've been hearing a lot of advice, or having people order me around on what to do in life.

I really just want to look these crazy unsolicited advice peddlers straight in the eyes and say:

It's not that I don't like advice or suggestions, in fact, I welcome them.

HOWEVER....

I will get upset when someone is sitting there telling me i am doing "bad things" and "ruining my life" over things that don't matter.

For example, maybe i didn't want to study business, i mean i had enough of that BS in high school and honestly the thought of sitting through a business management class makes me hyperventilate. So me being who i am chooses to go into makeup and study history.

I DON'T LIKE HEARING HOW THIS DECISION IS GOING TO RUIN MY CHANCES AT BECOMING RICH AND FAMOUS AND SUCCESSFUL BECAUSE GUESS WHAT???

MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING PEOPLE!!!

Another thing i love is when it comes to things people give suggestions about things they know nothing about like if you were to say  "i want to do/go/see/become/ _________" and someone will reply  " oh well i heard that this girls, mothers, best friends, hairdressers, boyfriends, cousins, mother-in-law once did ____ and died/hated it/ never spoke again"

OK so maybe I'm exagerating now but at least you get my point, well my two points.

#1. Unsolicited advice, however helpful one ,may think it is, is never welcome or helpful. All it does is keep people from doing things that could be amazing for them, which leads me to my next point

#2. Never let someone get in between you and your dreams, nothing is ever out of reach. Honestly, no matter how big your plans for the future are never lose sight of them never ever ever!!! (unless your plans are to become a serial killer then please choose something else). Anyways your dreams are the number one thing in life and nobody can tell you what is good for you other then yourself! Can i put more emphasis on that?

Ever get any crazy unwanted advice? Got dreams and big plans for the future? Blow off some steam and comment below (:

Much Love & Until Next Time
                             - Lauren ♥

How to Be aChola

So this is a new video i did by request and i hope you guys really just enjoy it (:

Sexy Pics Censored By School

If you haven't already heard about the girl who got her yearbook picture rejected for being too "provocative" then you're about to hear about it right now.

So if you don't know the story then this is how it goes Sydney Spies (cool name right?) submitted a picture to be her senior yearbook picture and, after being approved by the yearbook staff, administration intervenes and says its too racy. So she submits another picture which is apparently also too racy? Those are just the basics in a nutshell but here is : The Full Story



the questionable pic

(the 2nd pic)

Basically here's my problem, i see nothing wrong with either of these pictures i mean really i don't see boobs, or any other private parts hanging out right? I mean everything that needs to stay covered is covered and if she feels that this is the way to express her errmmm....personality? then she has a right too regardless of how it makes other people feel. I mean come on its not like shes a minor the girls 18 and about to be a high school graduate.

I think this is just another case of censorship. I mean look at my high school yearbook, they did something similar to me by editing a picture to erase my nickname a (harmless nickname may i add)because?? There was no good , legitimate, acceptable answer other then they didn't like it.

I mean really if self expression isn't truly wanted then the school might as well throw everyone in a freakin P.E. shirt take identical pictures and call it a day, but that wouldn't sit well with everyone now would it?

SO if we are given a choice to express ourselves then gosh darn it just leave it be , even if it means it makes others uncomfortable because guess what darling? That is what art is supposed to do.

How do you feel about these pictures? Appropriate or not? Leave your comments below and let me know what you're thinking.

Until Next Time
                          - Lauren ♥

(oh and by the way Syd, you look great :)

New Stuff Coming Soon (:

Check out whats new with Makeup By Lauren Nichole (:

My (Non) New Year's Resolutions

I don’t recall ever being a big fan of New Year’s resolutions, I think we should resolve to do things for ourselves and not just because another 365 days have gone by so….. I decided to make my resolutions a week after the New Year! (Ok so technically a week and a day later). And yes, I know it may be the same idea under a different premise but really it works for me so here it goes, my life resolutions:

•  Get the blog going (check :)
•  Release a new youtube video every week
• Start posting my vlogs
•  Get through this year of school
•  Do every assignment (even if I do procrastinate)
•  Be more positive
• Cuss alot less
•  Be a better friend/family member/ stranger
• Stay true to myself
•   Cherish the small things
• Take up photography
• Make new friends
• Get in touch with old friends
• Stay in touch with current friends
•  Get my vinyl player
•  ♥ENJOY EVERY SINGLE THING LIFE HAS TO OFFER ♥

Ok you guys those are my resolutions and I hope I stick to them too! Untill next time (:

Much Love

                    -  Lauren ♥

Oh, Hello!

So starting today i'm bringing back the blog new and better then ever. I hope you all enjoy (:

Much Love
           - Lauren ♥